Out-Of-The-Loop

During our first year or two of living in China, we had a hilariously awkward experience with the principle of reciprocity.  This principle is beautifully expressed in the Chinese phrase Li Shang Wang Lai (礼尚往来).  A rough translation is that “a gift given comes back.”  Our landlord at the time introduced us to a friend of hers who was eager to connect with “foreign friends” (as we are often called there Wai Guo Peng You 外国朋友).  

She asked us to suggest a restaurant we liked.  We were new in town and lived within a small radius of shops and restaurants we were comfortable with.  So we suggested a budget-friendly  eatery around the corner and settled in to meet this new friend.  What we didn’t know was that he was quite well off and likely embarrassed to eat in a place like this.  But he played his part well and insisted on buying us everything we liked to eat.  Within a few days, what we can to affectionately call the “flurry of friendship” began in earnest.

For about a month, it felt my Mr. Ruan was calling us weekly to go out and play (Chu Qu Wan 出去玩).  One time, he and his wife and young son took us to the zoo and then to a lavish lunch.  Another time, they took us out to the countryside to visit his private fruit orchard to sample ripe Chinese bayberry fruit (Yang Mei 杨梅).

We knew enough to know that this courting ritual was leading to something, but we didn’t know exactly what.  They mentioned wanting us to teach their son Jason some English.  But the hints didn’t turn into a concrete plan.  This was probably our fault as we were pretty dense back then and couldn’t read between the lines.

On Christmas Eve, Mr. Ruan took us to a large karaoke bar that is owned to celebrate Christmas.  During this outing, he mentioned going into business together to open a karaoke bar for foreigners.  We had been coached not to get too deeply involved in a reciprocal relationship we didn’t understand, so in the end I’m afraid Mr. Ruan went away confused and disappointed.  

And the feeling of being out-of-the-loop we experienced is common among Westerners from more low-context cultures trying to figure out an intricate culture which plays by unwritten rules that would be too embarrassing to articulate to the uninitiated.

Even after all these years, my local staff still have to “suggest” that I do things that would be impossible for them to overlook unless it was intentional.  China is indeed a lovely and layered land!