Reciprocity is a Pathway

Today I will wrap up my thoughts for now on the principle of reciprocity.  As I’ve already mentioned, sharing what you have with others is much more than just a one-time transaction.  It is an investment both in the present and in your shared future with the people you may very well come to depend on.  In fact, I would describe this practice of habitual giving as a pathway to the following three things.

Reciprocity is a pathway to success

The self-made man is for the most part a foreign concept in Chinese society.  And though their are many rags-to-riches stories in China, few would attribute their successes solely to their own efforts.  At every turn, there are gatekeepers with whom you must build rapport.  There are relatives, colleagues, investors, and officials with whom you must build a solid reciprocal relationship.

And your network is much more than just a collection of favors that you will call in one day.  They become your people.  You regularly have dinner together.  You go on outings together.  You show up and support one another’s business events and social gatherings.  You freely refer business and opportunities to each other.  I have heard parents go so far as to say the chief aim of sending their kids to a good college is so they will form several foundational relationships which will greatly enhance their ability to become successful in the future.

Reciprocity is a pathway to stability

Societal relationships (called Guan Xi 关系 in Chinese) are also your safety net when times get tough.  When handling a tricky piece of business (Ban Shi Qing 办事情), a well-placed friend is vital in order to get something stamped or processed.  Without a connection, your piece of business is likely to be either significantly delayed or not able to be handled at all!  You may get the dreaded response I have become quite familiar with over the years - Mei Ban Fa 没办法.  This means “I can’t help you.”  But with the right node in your network, Mei Ban Fa becomes You Ban Fa 有办法 (“there is a way”)!  

So Guan Xi becomes a buffer to keep potential roadblocks at bay.  And needing to build Guan Xi with someone you do not currently have a relationship with when you are already in a pinch can be a costly endeavor.  So my Chinese friends would never casually throw away a relationship that may be vital in the future.  And the earlier in life the relationship is formed, the stronger is tends to be.

Reciprocity is a pathway to positioning

Early on, this principle seems cold and calculating.  In reality, it is the artful positioning of skilled people who are maneuvering in a long-term game with high stakes.  Learning the art of reciprocity is not only important for you personally.  It is important for your family, your friends, your business partners, and for the other members of your 人际网 (Ren Ji Wang - “social network”).

In addition, in a populous nation where people are at times vying for limited resources, reciprocity provides an impetus for the critical societal component of politeness.  My Chinese friends are masters of self-restraint in order to help themselves and others not to “lose face” (丢脸 - Diu Lian).  

As a Westerner, I am fond of the game of checkers.  A series of straightforward, consecutive moves can lead to success.  My Eastern friends play chess.  They are putting themselves and their families in position for the long-term.  And one wrong move early in the game can put their future in doubt.  So each move must be full of care - CAREFUL.